Hey everyone! How are you all doing? Happy December, by the way! Isn't it just awesome that it is December already? Christmas is definitely fast approaching. I can't wait.
So, every Christmas season, I make it a point that I attend and complete the 9-day Novena masses, or more popularly known as the "Simbang Gabi". It's our preparation for the coming of our Savior, Lord Jesus Christ.
It will only be the third time that I will complete these Novena masses as much as I wanted to in the past. When I attended the first mass last 15 December 2015 (anticipated), I realized that the reason why I've been ecstatic to celebrate this Eucharistic celebration is because of hope.
Like everyone else, I, too, am experiencing difficulties, confusion, doubt and hopelessness for the most part of my days. I thought I'm above them, you know. But, no. These dark times are coming back. And on the third day of the Novena masses, I understood through Father's homily that these moments will always come back-- not because we are not learning at all from the past, but because these dark times are part of our lives. They are inevitable. And that's just really how life is.
But, knowing that these dark times won't disappear is probably the ugliest truth there is. Who doesn't want to live a comfortable and happy life without any bump on the road, right? But, again, we don't get to live in this world having a perfect life. As much as I want to deny it, I really can't.
There's no point in running away from the truth. Every one is fighting their own battle, so as much as I don't want to accept this next truth, I also can't.
God said to me while I was praying on that third day Christmas novena that: "Nikka, it's time to save yourself."
I'm sure every one of us had experienced bitterness and jealousy before. How did they feel? They felt sickening, right? They felt that they did not belong in our lives, yet they kept on insisting to be present.
From time to time, I'm having those moments of bitterness and jealousy. And they are the meanest-- Why are they so lucky that opportunities are coming their way without even lifting a finger? Why are they so freaking rich that they can just spend and spoil without thinking of consequences? Why do they look like models and are beautiful in all angles? Why can't I be taller, or wiser, or luckier? Why do I have to work so hard to get what I want? Why can't they just be given to me like some people I know of? Why can't someone else save me? Why is life unfair?
They are ugly, right? As much I don't want to entertain these thoughts from coming inside my head, I just cannot. There's no truer truth that I am only human, and being human means that I get to experience these dark times. I get to be weak, and fall, and cry, and just... give up.
But, God is pushing me to save myself. To be my own hero. To stop waiting for my knight-in-shining-armor because my life is not a fairy tale. It is a novel full of ups and downs, and twists, and surely a happy ending at the end of my story.
God wants me to rely on myself and believe in the greatness that is within me. Because He had given me so much of greatness. He had given me so much power, and hope, and grace, and faith... and love.
As much as I am getting tired of giving my all, more than a hundred percent of what I can do, in all the things that I am doing with my life, I cannot resort to mediocrity. I cannot just stop being passionate. I cannot just stop living.
And God is showing me a clearer view of what I can do through my tears, and my conversations with Him every day.
If you are accomplishing more than what is expected from you by the world, how much more do you think you can gain once you let go of these bitterness and jealousy and focus all that energy in saving yourself?
This is important, God lectured me.
But what is greater still is that, He will be holding my hand this whole time. God promised me that He will always be here for me, cheering me on and berating me for succumbing to my dark thoughts, and lifting me up as I fall, and loving me (especially that), all the while holding my hand.
I will not be alone.
And as I close my eyes to sleep every night, He will do His magic and work out the rest. He will grant me peace, and cover me up with His grace. And I can sleep tightly every night knowing that my dreams are safe, and my life is in His hands.
That as I save myself, God saves me back.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Thank you for letting me share my life, my thoughts, my love and
my passion to you. I appreciate you all. Thank you.
JUMPER: Forever 21
SHOES: Charles and Keith
Photos by my super good friend, Judes Calpo